Wednesday, September 30, 2009
It's late in the night now.. I can't fall asleep. My mind's crammed up with stuffs.. Everything..... This month work's done. I'm free tomorrow. After some very very long weeks. Finally able to rest myself.. But why my mind's isn't stopping?? Guess it's probably better if i kept myself busy. Kept my thoughts and feelings deep down. Whereby i could put them locked within without needing to check on them at all. But, now that i have the time to rest, everything automatically came right out.
Why am i feeling so down when i'm perfectly happy and contented with my life now? I have my loving family around me. Quarrels or fights, we're still together under 1 roof. I'm more than happy for this to continue on forever. I have my loving bunch of friends whom i know would always be there for me whenever i need them. I SHOULD be perfectly content. Why am i not what feeling what i'm supposed to be feeling?? Probably i'm not tired enough to drown everything into my sleep, into my dreams whereby i can't differentiate between my dreams and reality.
Outside's raining now, with some lightning and soft thunder. Why does it have to reflect what i'm feeling now so perfectly? Probably there's a slight probability that i would always feel low when the weather's bad. Great. I'm being manipulated by weather... What a joke! I just wish that i could be tired enough to fall asleep. Haix.
Memories were flashing past like some slow motion movie rewind of my life. There's somethings that i wanted to explain face to face with some people but i can't. There's things that i wanted to do, wanted to fulfil, wanted to prove myself of but i CAN'T! I feel so... 'incompetent' might be a good word to use here. Guess i should just force myself to bed. I've been working full day and sleeping lesser than i need for days. I should be tired enough.
PS: Things doesn't seems to be going smoothly.
##9 oct. I hope she will be really fine. The report's not out. A person as negetive as her, she would probably start leaving words for everything until we could really be sure that she's fine. I don't like that. I don't like the feeling at all. I WANT her to be really fine. I need her.. Though i never ever mentioned this at all. But deep down she's more impostant than anything.. I really need her...
##It's raining, getting colder.. I hope he will be sensible enough to wear a jacket if he's out now.. Cheer up soon kay? Not that we've forgotten or we didn't care. It's just that we didn't have the chance to discuss it out or be able to find time to meet you even if we have anything to give when we don't even have it on hand now. I guess by saying we've no time isn't going to help.. I hope you will give us a chance to redeem ourselves?? I'm sorry about her. Really sorry. But i couldn't do anything to help at all... Not that you needed me.. I didn't even have the courage to message you or call you to check on you. I know you will read my blog sooner or later. Please don't get mad for anything. If there's anything that i could help please tell me. I will be there if i can. Please feel free to use me as a comfort?? Well.. I'm sorry i'm not good with words.. Just find me when you need me. Kay?? Sorry...
##Why can't things in life be perfect?? Why can't we just stop at happy moments and stop there?? I believe i could be content enough to just remain at where ever those happy moments stop at. Everything i remember could stop. Just let me be there. But it's impossible isn't it??
##I realised i stopped looking up the sky, wishing upon the stars which i've always been doing in the past. I guess when the things you wished never come true, it will automatically make you stop believing in things other than to face reality. Can't i hide from reality?? Or can't i just delay the meeting from reality?? Or could i just pretend that reality doesn't exist?? It's always the reality that makes me sad. I don't like it....
I still like him.. Probably only a little now that it's some time since we last chat or last met. Probably my existance wasn't even of importance to him from the start. But what can i do to change everything??nothing..
Will my tears please go back.. 4:31:00 AM
Friday, September 11, 2009
My freaking MPSIP is finally over!! Cheers. I very happy in the inside but seriously couldn't express it out from the outside. I'm super super shag lately, finally finding time to really sit down and relax, to even blog. I'm really tired from these few weeks of burning midnights and also from the sleepless nights that i had. I finally pass off through the hell period by merely being late once, time: 9.03. I've already got used to waking early, though really really tired but still fought the urge of going back to dreamland. I could now feel the deep dark rings under my eyelids. Why am i not sleeping now? Okie.. It takes some time to get use to if i wanted to sleep this "EARLY". Still as busy as ever, i put down almost everyday for work other than wed and fri whereby i'm teaching tuition on those days. Well, keeping myself busy might be better of for me. It keeps my mind off which i seriously meant "off". Haven't really been in contact with the outside world, my cliques of friends and my best friend. Okie.. I admit i'm feeling really guilty now. Got to find some time for gatherings together. I promise. Okie again, i'm really surrendering. I'm way too tired. Btw, today and currently Adam's birthday. So...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADAM!!!
PS: That's all, that's it. I have to really let it go and i think i really could manage it. I could finally smile and laugh wholeheartedly.. I'm being exaggerative? I do hope so.. But it's not. However, i could really put it back behind me now. Like almost totally!! Cheers!! I'm off!!
Will my tears please go back.. 11:26:00 PM