WEIQI~

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I just reached home not long ago and here i am blogging. Not feeling anything nor it's that something happened. Just simply feel like blogging.

Let me start from yesterday..

Jordan was absent again. He had 2days mc so readily that i was left alone. Cas and Denise were really great in keeping me entertained as usual. We had damn lots of fun. I was suppose to be feeling upset due to the 'Early in the morning incident--thanks to my stupid big mouth.. But it's over and i guess i got forgiven.'. However FangQi really cheered me up by sensing my unusual-ness. After which, i'm fine and cheerful again. Thanks babe.

Back to Cas and Denise, the 3 of us went over to Cas house for lunch and we ended up cam whoring the whole day that we forgot totally about the time. When we finally realise, it's already 3.45pm. Omg. We spend 3 hours plus and time really flies past fast when you are having fun. In the end, we reach school around 4.30pm and we went over my lab to watch videos and not long later it's 5.30pm already. Pretty amazing huh. That's how i spend a day completely.

I wasn't really feeling that well. Reason: i'm not sure. Maybe it's that my existence got completely ignored by him twice. That's kinda lame but, i just had that uncomfortable feeling. Like that a bag of air suffocating in my insides, around my chest and throat area. It doesn't make me moody nor i feel good about it. I just feel like thrashing things out, vent everything out without any anger within. That's weird. It's the 1st time i had this kind of feeling. Thus, again i called FangQi and she just allow me to blabber on and on and on about all the things that's going on my mind. She says it's common as i keep feeling as though there's something wrong with myself. As though feeling-less. Hmm. But i got over it after a nice nap. (I slept with my contacts again and it hurts when i wake.)

When i wake, i start chatting with Babe and she really persuaded me into making a first move which i'm so afraid of. It really make sense all the time. I just didn't want to spoil the little bit of distance in between that i finally got hold of. I hate this fear. It's just so not me. The daring WeiQi didn't dare to face up with relationship. But she's really a great help. We just had our "you think i will this.. you think i got that.." conversations and we reassured our self by looking deep into our self with our clearest mirror. Does it sound complicated? But to me i understand what i typing pretty well and i guess Babe will think the way as well. Really thanks lots once again. I feel so much better everything. Love ya. <3

Recieved a super super bad news about this friday that forces me to cancel out all my plans!! It goes like that. My cousin had this long distace relationship and he's coming over. (He's a ang moh!!) My cousin booked two superior rooms at Costa Sands Resort this friday. My brother, sister and i were asked to bring our friends over. The main thing was that this boyfriend of hers have a son. And we're suppose to mingle and make friend with him, make him see 'How good Asians people are and can be.' Isn't that lame?? I seriously don't see the point. I could have been enjoying myself at Malaysia with babe. Spending my night in a way that i prefer more instead of at such a weird place doing weird stuffs that i don't like. Why is there a need for me to entertain a guy that i don't know? I'm pretty sure that in the end, i will have to entertain him as my age gap is like the nearest to him as compared to my siblings. He is 18. OMG. Why am i even involved. I could really make good use of my time!! I mean, it's not as though i like this cousin of mine. I'm just giving face as she's an older sister and the only reason was the my siblings were involved and it's not as though they ask for it too. Haix. As i'm on the phone with babe at that time, i forced her to join me. I'm asking my poly friends tomorrow but whether they were free or not, at least there's still babe by my side accompanying me.

Anyway, regarding today..

I made a slight first move by messaging him asking him to come sit with me at the back as there's a seat beside me. It's just normal conversation. But we kept it carrying on. I really really tried my best and when we stop, i just hope and wish deep down that he's mine, someone that i could rely on. I want the trip to keep going on without stopping. But i know clearly that there will be stop for everything. Thus, as for my happy little moment, it lasted till i reached school.

During breakfast, it was still fine and we said hi and everything. What seems to went wrong or i'm thinking way too much again was after lunch. I just feel that it was not the same him from morning. Guys had mood swings too maybe.

But, anyway, while Cas is explaining about this Friday's staffs to Denise, i'm so sure he and his group of friends overheard and the last thing i remembered clearly that came out of my mouth was " I really don't feel good about it and i die also don't want to entertain that ang moh.. I mean why do i have to entertain him??" Great!!! =_= Haix..

Adam joined us for lunch today too. We just chit chatted and laugh together. There seems to be a lot of laughter (not knowing since when) whenever Cas, Denise and I were together.

Time flies fast today as well and all that we did after lunch were to play with facebook, watch youtube videos and that's about it.

I was amazed for my speed at clocking out today. I reached the bus stop at around 5.35pm and that was really fast considering me going to a few different places. When i reach the bus stop, as usual, my eyes would scan around. But, he's so not there at his usual would appear at place unless i missed my bus. When my bus came like 5 mins later, i saw him. He was there at the bus stop. Just that he's not at a place that i could see him. My as usual think to much stupid brain start running 'Is he avoiding me??'. Haix...

However, i was completely surprised that i didn't feel sad at all. I'm tired. But not a sign of moodiness emerge at all. I just feel normal...

I finally realise that i had really made up my mind. I would really really want to try to make my first move. I really want to at least try. I had known this long ago deep down. I don't want to have any regrets at all. I always know. Just that i'm afraid to fall. I calmed myself down and seriously thought of what i really want.

I had the answer. To make the very first move and keep trying. Even if i fail, i tried and will not regret myself for trying. If i failed, it's okie. I will want to stand up from where i fall. I didn't loss anything. I am still me. I guess i've stood at the starting point for too long a time. It's time that i make a move.

Looking back, out of a sudden, i realised. The real me was gone. Where is that crazy hyper-active girl that was always cheerful and positive for everything. She's gone. I don't really know what changed me but i made up my mind to find her back. It does sounds weird doesn't it?? Haha..

To JA: I completely don't know who you are nor can't i guess how i know you or who you are. However, the story really affected my thinking. I broods about it sometimes. And i made up my mind. I don't want to be like Leaf. Neither do i want tree to regret. As i believe Leaf will regret it too. It's just so pathetic to think this way.

To you or your friends whom might be reading my blog occasionally..

Especially for you.. Did you realise how long i've been looking at your back? Did you realise how much effort and courage i need to pluck up when i catch up upon you, trying to start up something between us that could interest you? Did you know how much you could affect me? Just your courteous smile, or a single sentence, or the small little action affects me. Did you know that there's alot of times whereby i was in a damn emo, damn foul mood, but just because of your little joke or caring-ness hidden within change my mood completely for the rest of the day. There's also a few occasions that i completely turn emo just because i'm not seen in front of you, completely ignored by you. Did you realise that you never catch up with people? It's always me chasing at the back. I do sense it sometimes that you're just faking. I have feelings too you know.. Since when did your existence become that much of importance to me. Maybe i'm being one-sided, or i'm thinking too much but i a girl. And i believe that sometimes my sixth sense really tells me things. But if, IF i'm wrong, thinking too much, could you please stopped giving me false hope, stop making my mind full of you, or even affect me so much. It might be my fault for sinking in so much. But, i'll try. Really. I just need you to be truthful. Not only to me, but to yourself too.

And to whoever that's reading my blog, i'm not ashamed of anything. Little bit embarrassed at admitting though.

PS: Some who knows might think he's not worth me sinking in that deep. But i did. I don't even want to care about what people thinks. It just the way i am. I trust and believe in my feelings were real. I'm quite sure that we could be really happy and we suits one another. I always had this feeling that you kept a barrier from yourself with others. I really hope that the one who could open up your heart is me. You might not have the confidence and courage for things, i'm willing to try. So, would you at the very least be truthful to yourself?

I might fall and be afraid of it.. But i'm not afraid of standing up again and i will.

Will my tears please go back.. 6:19:00 PM