Monday, May 11, 2009
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY!!! I admit that i i broke down this morning in lab when i reach about 15mins earlier and i found myself alone in the big empty lab. I start thinking and brooding about things that happened and after controlling my emotion since last night, my way to school, the trip on the bus, i seriously broke down. I admit that i hate the neighbour sitting 2 chairs away from me for reaching school on time, spotting me crying. At least he got the sense to avoid and left immediately after dropping his bag.
I admit that when someone ask me why i'm so sad today i lied that nothing's wrong or i just yawned as i can't be bothered to explain or should say i don't know how.
I admit that i fake smile, laughter to everyone i talked today including my friends even though deep down i don't feel like it and is feeling extremely low and sad.
I admit that whenever i reach home daily in the evening i felt lonely when there's no one at home until dinner time. I don't feel like switching on the lights even though i don't like the dark as i hate to pretend that i'm not the only one at home. I rather act as though there's no one. It makes me feel better. What's more, i don't find a need to on that many lights when i'm the only one at home.
My sis asked me to call my mum to ask on her as she have to teach tuition and my mum called her complaining about her feeling low.
I admit that i felt angry, sad and hurt when i called my mum and ask whether she's alright and the only reply i had was that she's busy and wasn't free to be on the phone and hung up, not bothering to even call back. I mean why? I hate it when people do this to me. It's not like i get to see you daily. You only come back at around 1 or 2 plus am daily and normally i will be asleep. I even stayed awake till late night so that i can have the chance to even talk to you about something but normally you just seems totally uninterested. I don't blame you for working late or even being tired. I also know you are angry and sad too. But at least some little gesture or a warming smile or even the tiniest joke will do. Even i'm 18, i might need them too. Just to let me feel a little that i'm still connected with you will do, instead of just missing each other daily. Is it that difficult to show concern?
Shit! I feel that i'm like a mummy's girl complaining about lack of love. But, i just don't want the history to repeat that i just refuse to go home early, reaching home only around midnight so that i can just go to bed avoiding everyone. And what did i do daily? Just loitering around till the time is up. Well, i've grown up and wouldn't be that childish anymore. Forget it. I guess ignoring everything including my own feeling will be better and easier for me. I just need to pretend and that's all. I don't like this thinking at all. But do i have a choice? I guess the answer's NO!
PS: I'm so not like myself.. Wahahahahaha. I can't seems to laugh at all. I feel that i'm so fake!!Oh well.. Big deal!!
Will my tears please go back.. 8:09:00 PM